Fate Waitwhat!
by The storytelling prinny
Summary: My name is Hakuno Kisimari…this is my story… (Warnings: L33t reading skill required to understand Shinji. Carnival Phantasm-ish MS Paint Adventures-ish Fanfic. Spoiler heavy…ish. Rated M just in case


I do not own the Fate series nor am affiliated with Type-moon or Kinoko Nasu (as awesome as that would be. I want a Reality Marble, dammit!), this is simply a not-for-profit fan-made work created solely for entertainment purposes.

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===0===0===0===

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On a rift between dimensions, a small bar-slash café floated endlessly.

Three individuals are within.

Two men. One behind the counter, wearing sunglasses. The other at a stool, wearing a heavy cloak and holding a mug of beer. The last, an animal, a penguin.

George, the owner faking to be the manager of the place.

Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg, the user of the Second True Magic, "Operation of Parallel Worlds".

And "The Storytelling Prinny"…a writer of half-assed fanfics...

TSP: "I freaking hate this! I never get reviews and no one reads my stories!"

George: "You're too hasty, storyteller. Reputation is not something that grows overnight."

TSP: "I WANT IT ALREADY!"

Zelretch: *Sipping his beer* "I keep telling you to write ACTUAL books and sell them."

TSP: "Just because magi don't know how to use a computer doesn't mean I'll do that for you, Zel!"

Zelretch: *Slamming his fist on the table* "And just because I accidentally erased your bank accounts doesn't mean I can't use one!"

TSP: *Slamming my…flipper on the table* "And you "accidentally" told the secret service I was a Russian spy! And you "accidentally" evicted me from my house! AND you "accidentally" killed my dog!"

George sighed and looked at **your** screen.

George: It's starting…

…

…

…

TSP: "What's starting?"

George: "Isn't it tradition to say "It's starting" on Carnival Phantasm fics?"

Zelretch: "This is a Carnival Phantasm fic?"

TSP: "Not really, more like MS Paint Adventures…"

George: "Like Homestuck?"

TSP: "Yes and no…well, it has shades of the narrative style, and I'd liken it a bit more with Problem Sleuth."

George: "So…What do we say after these short skits of ours? Are we having more of them to begin with?"

TSP: "Ehh…I don't know…Well, let's say…Kaleidoscope's a dick!"

Zelretch: "No, let's say…TSP's writing SUCKS!"

TSP: "The wizard marshal is a pedophile!"

Zelretch: "TSP reads yaoi!"

TSP: "Lolicon!"

Zelretch: "Gay!"

TSP: "Lolicon!"

Zelretch: "Gay!"

TSP: "Lolicon!"

Zelretch: "Gay!"

Both: "You wanted to bang Arcueid when you met her!"/"You support Jin X Ragna!"

Both: *GASP!*

TSP: "YOU MONSTER! HOW DARE YOU CLAIM I WOULD LIKE SUCH A THING!"

Zelretch: "I WILL KILL YOU FOR THOSE BASELESS ACUSATIONS!"

Zelretch used reinforcement on himself and I drew my modified Prinny knives.

Both: BRING IT, BITCH!"

They both charged towards each other, but were stopped by George, who teleported in front of them with an overwhelming aura and the figures of Alaya Souren, Kotomine Kirei and...Nero Chaos floating behind him.

*A horrible maiming later*

George: "It's starting."

TSP: *On the floor, burnt and bloody* "I propose…a change of catchphrase…"

Zelretch: *Also burnt and bloody* "Seconded…if you give me my spine…"

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===0===0===0===

* * *

At an undisclosed location

*Yawn*

"Ahhh…man, I slept like a log."

My name is Hakuno Kishinami.

Hakuno: *Rubs eyes* "Mhh…what?"

I was a "Master" in the Holy Grail War, a free-for-all battle royal where seven magi fight and slay each other to gain the "Holy Grail", an artifact of incredible power that is capable of granting the user's every wish.

Hakuno: "OH CRAP! I'm late!"

This "Grail" was different though, as it turned out to be a gigantic photonic crystal, an object that uses light itself as a storage medium.

And the war, too. It was a one-on-one tournament and began with a **thousand **potential Masters, of which only a bit over a hundred received their "Servant", an idolized version of a hero or demi-god of ancient lore.

As impossible as it seems, I was the weakest participating Master of the war and the winner of it. Of course, I couldn't have done it without my Servant and a friend of mine who in my attempt to save, ended up making it impossible for her to continue on, but left her alive.

Worst of all, I had no memories of who I was. But latter on, I found out I was already dead when I joined the war, so in the end, I would not be able to go back to the world unless my wish was wasted on that.

I had no wish, or rather, I hadn't decided. Once I found myself in front of the grail, she died, so I thought of using it to let her have another shot at life.

But in a split second I realized how stupid that was.

This grail would grant the person a wish. ANY wish, without exception.

So I typed more words there…

"I wish to remain undeleted in the moon cell and 15 more wishes"

If the SERAPH had a face, I would have loved to see it in that one moment.

Not only did I give myself more time to think things over, but I gave myself more wishes.

As for what they were…well, something along this…

"I wish the calamity that left the world like this never happened" 14 left

"I wish the Harways are simply a small time corporation instead of a plutocracy" 13 left

"I wish everyone who was present in the Holy Grail War to be alive and well" 12 left

"I wish that my opponents and Rin remember what happened" 11 left

"I wish that Dan Blackmore's age is 45 and his wife, Anne Blackmore, is alive and dies only when he dies" 10 left

"I wish that everyone's Servant is revived if both of them are in mutual agreement" 9 left

"I wish that Tsukimahara Academy is a real place" 8 left

"I wish that the NPCs are real and work at Tsukimara" 7 left

"I wish that Aoko Aozaki and Touko Aozaki have five million yen given to them via mail along with a letter from "Hakuno" saying "For your time and trouble -Hakuno-"" 6 left

"I wish that my body on earth is healed and given my memories of the events in the moon cell" 5 left

"I wish to be able to communicate telepathically with the participants of the Holy Grail War and their servants" 4 left

"I wish that all the people revived, restored and or materialized have no legal issues (such as paperwork, legal guardians, places to live, etc etc.)" 3 left

"I wish to have another 101 wishes" 103 left. In that second, I thought I heard a digitalized voice say "goddammit!" but it must have been my imagination...

"I wish to have a keychain shaped like the moon cell's logo (a 3x3 row of blue squares) that indicates how many wishes I still have and have them granted by using having it on my person and stating it" 102 left

"I wish to be able to consult the moon cell's data at any time" 101 left

"I wish that Lil' Ronnie and Vlad III are not so batshit crazy" 100 left

So many wishes…so many possibilities.

But I was never ready for the consequences that would befall…

Such terrible…horrifying …consequences…

My name is Hakuno Kishinami…and this…is my story

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===0===0===0===

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Kotomine: *In his badass narrator-ish baritone* "Fate…Ex…huh? Wait!"

A "Moby Dick" enemy program fell down and crushed Kotomine, leaving only a dumbstruck Julius Harway.

Julius: "What?"

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===0===0===0===

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Later on, that day…

Hakuno returned from the Tsukimahara Acdemy and after finishing his homework, he decided to connect to TsukiChat, a program he convinced/blackmailed Shinji into creating to talk to the participants of the Grail war, as everyone agreed that telepathy is creepy as high holy hell.

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*TsukiChat*

* * *

**Zabio01 logged in**

**Lionhart7 is logged in**

**Zabio01:** Hi, Leo! How are you doing?

**Lionhart7:** Good afternoon, Hakuno. I am doing very well, thank you. I assume that this is your case as well?

**Zabio01:** Other than a few things here and there, no, not really

**Lionhart7:** I see, that is good to know.

**Zabio01:** Oh! Now that I think about it.

**Zabio01:** I've been meaning to ask you, how's Gawain?

**Lionhart7:** I did not pay it mind while he was in the war, but he is quite a glutton. He is looking somewhat plump now, I worry for his health.

**Zabio01:** Um…I actually meant about the fact that I killed you and then turned you into a normal boy

**Lionhart7:** Oh! Do not worry. I believe that the right expression would be "It's all water under the bridge". He holds no grudge against you.

**Zabio01:** Whew! I'm glad to know!

**Lionhart7:** Truth be told, he was far more angered at the fact that he would no longer serve me as a knight, but as an employee.

**Zabio01:** Yeah, there were a couple of issues with that wish

**Zabio01:** I would have written him as an adopted brother or something like that

**Zabio01:** But it just kind of…happened

**Zabio01:** Although if he wants to change it, I could make a wish

**Lionhart7:** I will ask him at a latter point.

**Lionhart7:** By the way, Alice has told me that you planned to marry your Servant. Is this a fact?

**Zabio01:** Oh...well I DO want to marry her…

**Zabio01:** But not now

**Zabio01:** I'm not old enough to marry yet, but when I am, I will definitely do

**Zabio01:** She knows this, and after a long talk, I convinced her to hold back until then

**Lionhart7:** Pardon me. "Hold back"?

**Zabio01: **Oh…um…nothing

**Lionhart7:** You've piqued my interest, I want to know.

**Zabio01:** Erm…she's…a bit pushy at times. That's all I'll say

**Lionhart7:** I see. I will remain silent about this matter.

**Zabio01:** Thanks

**Lionhart7:** You should, however, speak your mind more freely, we are no longer enemies.

**Zabio01:** I know, but I'm more afraid of her finding out I told you.

**Lionhart7:** I think Shinji would do something like that. Especially since he was the developer of TsukiChat.

**Zabio01:** You think he programmed it to register the conversations in his computer to blackmail us later?

**Zabio01: **He's smart, but not THAT smart

**L33tH/\x0R has logged in**

**L33tH/\x0R:** U sUr3 n00b? H/\ H/\ H/\ H/\ H/\\!

**L33tH/\x0R:** U M/\D?

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*Out of TsukiChat*

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Hakuno got up and focused onto Shinji, communicating via telepathy!

Hakuno: "Stop it!"

Shinji: "AHHHH! YOU STOP IT!"

Hakuno: "If you try it, I'll summon Drake and make her your big sister."

Shinji: "YOU WOULDN'T!"

Hakuno: "I can and would!"

Shinji: "DON'T!"

Hakuno: "Then don't give me a reason to!"

Shinji: "OK! OK! JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF MY MIND ALREADY!"

Hakuno sat down and finally cut off the telepathic link. Looking at the screen, Shinji logged out and Leo left a message.

* * *

*TsukiChat*

* * *

**Lionhart7:** It seems I have business to attend to. I would have loved to talk more, but, alas…

**Lionhart7:** Until next time Hakuno.

**Lionhart7 logged out**

* * *

*Out of TsukiChat*

* * *

Hakuno closed TsukiChat and erased the record of that specific conversation.

That.

Never.

**Happened.**

But then there was nothing else to do. If anything, Rin was right about Hakuno being almost like an NPC. He didn't use the moon cell to cheat in his exams (unless they were important, and even then it was a last resort) so his scores were just average. He did the bare minimum of exercise to stay fit and reasonably slim.

So other than possessing a reality wrapping keychain and a digital library of all the world's events (Including the "what if" scenarios) he was just a bland and unremarkable sophomore.

Although, now that he had regained his memories he had become more expressive. Everyone who remembered the events of the Holy Grail war told him that his attitude was quite different, but he always replied that it was because his survival instincts were always buzzing. Now he was a little bit cheerful (but not much), as well as somewhat snarky. Adding to the flavor was a dash of aggressiveness (both passive and normal) and a tiny bit of faked insanity.

Not to mention that he took on his old interests.

It turned out that he had a lot of books when he was alive, all of different authors and genera, but the ones he was fondest of were those of Terry Pratchet (Hakuno: Excuse me but its SIR Terry Pratchet) and several compilations of Edgar Allan Poe and H.P Lovecraft's stories.

He wasn't a bookworm though, as he liked anime and manga, as well as several videogames, visual novella, podcasts, films, comics and other media. He was more interested in storytelling in general than anything.

He also had a collection of Bande Dessinée, he had no idea as to _why_ he had that, but as he remembered, his thoughts were just "Aww, what the hell...Let's roll with it".

The bell rang in that moment.

Hakuno: "I'll get it!"

Musashi Kishinami: "Ok, son"

As he opened the door, someone quickly crushed him in a bearhug.

Hakuno: "Tamamo…air…please…!"

Instead of letting go of him, the cheerful pinkette pinned him down in the floor and kissed him passionately.

Tamamo: "Aww! Master you didn't call me when you got here!"

Hakuno: "That's because you live next door, and for the love of Amaterasu, get off me!"

Tamamo got up and gave Hakuno a hand to get up. A _literal _hand, a prop hand to be specific.

Hakuno: "Thanks, but where did you even get that?"

Tamamo: "Details, details. Let's go upstairs, I found some good books."

Hakuno: "Please tell me it's not a "how to" guide to tying knots for bondage…"

Tamamo: "Hey! It was just once!"

Hakuno: "Yes, and the next day I woke up in YOUR room in speedos, and you had a leather suit and a whip!"

Tamamo: "You're still angry about that? It was more of a practical joke than anything; I didn't touch you (While you were awake at least)."

Hakuno: "I heard that!"

He also was not THAT much of a dense and oblivious idiot when it came to love anymore...and sweet christ! Did he flip the fuck out when he found out that supplying a Servant with mana was done through **SEX** of all things!

...Not because he didn't join in, like most teenagers would but because Rin lied to him about it.

Quoting Cu Chulainn, their relationship now"looked like some sort of crazed Boke and Tsukomi routine" when they were arguing and also "so sweet that it could be marked as a potential cause of diabetes".

To make things worse Hakuno's parents, Musashi Kishinami and Youko Kuroyama, were kinky as hell and actively supported her actions. Not to mention that that at some nights he could hear the creaking of their bed, and on the about 80% of the others he just heard the pained moaning of his father, the laughter of her mother, the ringing of chains and the snapping of a whip…So most of the time, he got up and went to the roof, jumped the small gap between his house and Caster's, knocked on her room's door (which was on the housetop) and asked her if he could stay and slept there.

Fortunately, she was always empathic in those days and cut him some slack.

Tamamo: "And why didn't you make me your sister, we could have spent more time like that!"

Hakuno: "Dammit Tamamo! Incest is just so wrong on so many levels that I don't want to even consider that idea!"

Although he wanted her to cut him slack **every** single day.

*After 2 more minutes of arguing and the muffled laughs and perverted thoughts of Hakuno's parents*

Tamamo: "Fine, fine I'll make it up to you, let's go to Ahnenerbe."

Hakuno: "Errm…"

Tamamo: "What? Please don't tell me that you owe George money…"

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===0===0===0===

* * *

Somewhere on the world, number 1 of the 27 Dead Apostle Ancestors, the Beast of Gaia: Primate Murder attempted to repress a shiver…and failed.

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===0===0===0===

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Hakuno: "The guy unnerves everyone! I would rather kill myself than owe him a debt!"

Tamamo: "Then what's the problem?"

Hakuno: "I told Lancer that the next time I would show up there would be to apply as a part-timer…"

Tamamo:"…You've got caught up in something awful Master"

Hakuno: "Yeah…"

Tamamo: "Well I've been there more times than you and I can tell you that his shift is not today…so let's go…"

Hakuno: *shrug* "Fine, let me change clothes."

Just as Hakuno turned around the corner of the stairs he looked at Tamamo.

Hakuno: "I don't care if it's usually girls that say this, but NO PEEKING!"

Tamamo: "Yes, don't worry."

When he was out of sight, Tamamo took out her cellphone and opened a certain app…

Which showed her the live images of the cameras she installed in his room.

Lancer WAS on his shift. She knew this.

And also she took photos for her "album"

Women are truly scary…

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===0===0===0===

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End Chapter…Begin OMAKE!

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===0===0===0===

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Twice-kun!

* * *

In the deepest part of the moon cell (you know, the place filled with coffins?)...

Fem! Hakuno: *Crying* "Waaaaah, Twice-kun!"

Twice: "What is it Hakuno?"

Fem! Hakuno: "TSP isn't using me! I'm not meeting Archer! How are we supposed to please the FemMC X Archer fans!?"

Twice: "I am proud and approve of you more than I am of anyone else, but even Twice would think you are pathetic."

An AK-45 fell on the floor

**Author Motivation Device!**

Fem! Hakuno: "Eh…?"

Twice H. Pieceman: "You should also wear a balaclava and claim that it's for the greater good, when you kill him, beginning an international incident and spark an endless war of mutual extinction for all to beho-"

Then **"he"** fell near the rifle.

**"He"** was a very strange creature, **"He"** looked like a human and had a very muscular complexion. He could probably pass for a male model if **"He"** used absurd amounts of makeup to hide **"His"** grey skin. **"He"** had fiery red hair that went a bit past **"His"** shoulders and **"He"** wore nothing but a loincloth.

**"He"** looked at the weapon almost curiously and picked it up, making Twice smirk.  
Hakuno or **"Him"**...as long as the job was done he could not care less.

?: "What…is…this?…I've…never…seen...a…device…like…this"

Then **"He"** disassembled the gun, making Twice flinch as if in pain.

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Meanwhile in Ahnenerbe…

* * *

The crew was watching this on the TV.

George: "Are you sure this is for the best storyteller?"

TSP: "Definitely"

Zelretch: "How you stole Santana's remains from the Speedwagon foundation and cloned him I will never know."

TSP: "And you do not want to, Zel. You do NOT want to…"

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===0===0===0===

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Thank you all for reading.

And yes, that was the Pillar Man, Santana from Jojo's Bizarre Adventure Part 2:Battle tendency. How did he get here? The secret Sixth True Magic "Narrative Causality", that's how!

You all know the drill, mark me as a Fav, Follow me, skin me alive in the Reviews…you know, the usual.

Of course, some advice would help as well; this fanfic IS for you after all.

Anyways, that's all from me

-The storytelling prinny


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